Chuck Norris Facts

as found all over the internet...

Chuck Norris in famous sayings:

  • Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
  • Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
  • He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
  • If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  • Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
  • Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
  • The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris in Pop Culture

  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
  • Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off. 
  • Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  • The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
  • Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
  • There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
  • There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. 

Chuck Norris in school

  • Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
  • When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
 

In Physics:

  • Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. 
  • Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  • Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it. 
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

In Chemistry:

  • The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  • There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

In Biology:

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. 
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
  • Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

In Social Studies:

  • Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  • Everything King Midas touches turned to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
  • Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
  • As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

In Math:

  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  • Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. 

In English: 

  • To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
  • Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb. 
  • Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
  • Chuck Norris put the fun in funeral and the laughter in manslaughter.

Other Favorites:

  • A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  • Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
  • Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
  • Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
  • Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't shower. He only takes blood baths.
  • Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
  • Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists. 
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
  • Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
  • Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands. 
  • Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
  • For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
  • Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. 
  • It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  • Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
  • Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
  • Some kids play Kick the Can. Chuck Norris played Kick the Keg.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. 
  • The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
  • There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. 
  • They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
  • When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.